Physically I have never been able to run. Well, not well anyhow. But emotionally I’ve been a runner most of my life it seems. I just couldn’t see it until now. I’ve moved around a lot in my life but didn’t see that as running away from anything. But I was. I was running away from myself.
But that’s about to change.
A lot has changed in how I view the world since this pandemic began. I saw myself as chasing my dreams when in reality I think I’ve been running away from them instead. That is not to suggest that I have not been successful in any way. But I think my fear of failure in relationships and in my career has sort of created a narrative that the only way I’ll succeed is if I chase what I want.
So for the next month I’m challenging myself to sit still; to be still. I’m challenging myself to allow good things to come my way instead of trying to force them too. Being someone on the autism spectrum I don’t like surprises and that can lead to me trying to control the outcome of things instead of surrendering and allowing whatever is meant to happen—happen.
I have a mix of issues because of trauma but at the root of it all, I just need love.
I need connection. I am teaching myself to stay put. I even found a place to go sit by the water and just pray or meditate. It’s so grounding! No need to race there. I walk to my bench and watch the water as I think through whatever anxiety is eating at me.
“I’m challenging myself to allow love to find me instead of chasing it. I’m learning patience and how to allow myself grace as I falter. Mercy is a miracle and I so often forget to offer it to myself.”
How do you handle your dreams? Do you tend to run away from love or towards it? How do patience and grace fit into your big picture of your journey towards fulfilling your dreams? Spring is here and everything is growing and that includes us as well.
Gretchen McIntire
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