As long as I can remember I have always walked around in my own little world thinking about my special interests, but for a long time I did not have a word for it, I was not diagnosed until later in life when I was a full grown adult, I felt different and I remember that i questioned the way my brained worked.
Constantly recurrent thoughts were and are a part of my life. The awareness in society about diagnoses was less present when I grew up in comparison with how things are now. The education system works differently now and for me who has been working a couple of years as a teacher assistant for a couple of years, the change is evident. When I was a small child i was not reflecting so much, I was just a kid as everybody else, but as time passed my awareness grew. In school none of the teachers raised the question that I could be different, I was calm, did what I was told and had friends, I was not so antisocial that people might think that there was something different about me, even if it was. Inside of me I painted pictures of thoughts all days, I thought about flashlights and finding the one with the best strongest light, I liked them all with different forms, my friends and me played role playing games as for example dungeons and dragons and we discussed this all days during the brakes and what the next move should be. I was so consumed by these games for some time that I almost scared myself, I could hardly sleep, I lived with these games 24/7 for some time, before I got a little more distance and started to think about other things a lot more. For several years of my childhood I was absent minded. I forgot my things time after time. My wallet disappeared, I forgot the gold chain that I had received as a gift from my grandmother on the ground close to a tree, I played trumpet in an orchestra and I forgot this instrument on the bus a couple of times, but I was always lucky and I got my things back one way or another. When I became a adult I started to have more order on my things, but two times I lost my wallet and both times I run out of luck and the cash in the wallet was gone, my luck was back one time when I drove my superfast sport motorcycle and the wallet fell out of my pocket and all of my cards was spread all over the road, a nice lady saw it and picked up everything, then contacted me and gave it back.
During my adulthood I often have been disconnected from the surrounding world and fully absorbed my own thoughts. Sometimes it disturbs me, but on the other hand it is part of who I am, and it has been a big help from time to time to be able to have such a laser focus on one thing. It made me very good at a few things and not that all round which of course is a disadvantage and an advantage at the same time. When I did the autism diagnosis test they told me that I have an uneven talent profile. We are all different and we need to do the best of what conditions that we have. I know that I have a little more difficult time learning some things, but on the other hand I have my strongpoints and I have very good discipline. When it comes to learning I need to sit and read over and over again until it sticks in my mind, if someone gives me a lot of vocabulary that I need to remember, I am lost, especially if there are several steps that need to be completed. But I have studied all the way up to a university degree so it is still possible for me to learn.
When i have a passion/special interest for something, I can put in so much time and effort that there is almost no limit, it is never a problem with motivation, the problem is rather that it takes to much time from other things and I get a tunnel vision and don’t want anything to stand in my way of putting focus on the things that is important for me.
If I can’t think about and have time for my special interests it feel wrong and my life feels empty, i can function in different contexts and for example be social with other people, but the real truth is that very few things catches my interest and my mind need my passions or it it is almost totally blank. My mind is a world full of thoughts but it is a small world.
Daniel Antonsson is a 43 year old Autistic man living in Sweden with his Venezuelan girlfriend and four year old daughter. He has always enjoyed writing about different subjects and being able to publish for the Art of Autism make him feel truly blessed.
