By Gretchen McIntire
Photo by GhoZt Studioz Photography
I am many things. I am a woman. I am female with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I am also Bisexual. I also identify with Christianity. I don’t often talk about the latter of these because it seems like too many boxes that don’t match up for society around me. I start to judge myself if I think about all of these parts of me as a whole. Or, I should say, I used to.
The part of my brain that loves neat little boxes doesn’t like how “messy” my personality is. But this new part of me that I have recently embraced sees it all a bit differently and with a lot more grace. While I love my faith, I honestly love any faith based on love. I love meditation and learning about different religious belief systems. I don’t see my faith as the only one. I see them all as beautiful.
The part of me that screams “I don’t fit” is my sexual orientation. I’ve spent years trying to explain it away to men. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve changed my dating profile bio to read “Lesbian”, “Bisexual”, or “Straight” because I wanted to make that puzzle piece fit.
“I wanted to be a good person and be seen as a good person without realizing I can’t do that without being true to who I am.“
I am having a sort of second coming out of the closet. I guess I went back into the closet because it seemed safer in there. But sitting in the dark doesn’t make me a helpful or honest person. Letting my light shine does.
I’m realizing more and more that I’m not meant to be understood but accepted by the people who matter most to me. I’m seeing that the less time I spend worrying about fitting in, the more I actually find myself fitting in. Life on the Autism Spectrum is difficult enough as it is. Hiding a vibrant side of me was a weight I’ve been carrying. It’s time to set it down and just be me.
In what ways do you hide pieces of your personality? What is one way you can change that?
Gretchen McIntire
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