Lately I have been sleeping a lot and when I say a lot I mean A LOT. Yesterday all seven jobs booked in rescheduled because thier lawns hadn't really grown, which is fair enough because it has been cold lately. So I slept.

I went back to bed about 10am and slept through to 5.30pm and woke up still feeling tired. I got up to have dinner and watch the footy and then back to bed. I woke this morning and went back to sleep. Now it's 9.30am and I'm still tired. Luckily I have mowing jobs on otherwise I'd sleep some more.

Sleeping too much can be a sign of depression and maybe there is a touch of that.

I waited two years to see a rheumatologist for pain issues and then I was dismissed in a few short minutes, without a proper examination and investigation, as if I was making it up or imagining the pain I have been going through. The doctor kept mentioning numerous times that heavier drugs aren't the answer and the benefits of exercise.

I know this is wrong and find it very difficult getting over injustice. In my head I just keep reliving it and thinking 'I don't tell lies', 'I'm not a drug addict and wanting heavy drugs' and 'I do a lot of physical work and joint strengthening exercises have injured me'. I only want to know why and understand it and adjust my life as much as possible to suit.

Meanwhile my mother has emphysema and believes her time is almost over on the planet. My sister had breast cancer and has just finished chemo after an operation. My brother is locked in a mental ward. My Dad is finding it difficult looking after my mum and my brothers stuff while he is in the ward.

People would look at me and think, nothing much bothers him and he is happy all the time but they would be wrong. All this stuff seriously affects me.

I think of my mother and what she must be going through thinking she will be dead soon, how does your mind make sense of that. I think of all the great things she has taught me in life that I didn't show appreciation for. Yet I can do nothing to fix things for her.

I think of my sister dealing with cancer that spread and contemplating death and leaving her husband and kids behind. She has just finished chemo and now getting radiation therapy. Every time she had chemo she was sick with fever and needed to recover. She has lost all her hair and lost a lot of weight and looks drawn. She has still been getting on with normal life during the whole thing like nothing is wrong. It makes me want to scream. Yet I can do nothing to fix things for her.

I think of my brother dealing with schizophrenia and I know he is extremely bored stuck in there. It is the best thing for him to be in there but I can only imagine the mental pain and boredom that he is going through. It makes me wonder what it would be like to not live in reality and imagine strange things, non existent plots of people who may or may not exist. Does it mean that his life in reality is dead. The one where he was my kid brother. Is my brother that I knew dead and gone? Does he even know? Yet I can do nothing to fix things for him.

Before, in my life, any mental pain was hidden. Now, it manifests itself physically. Pain in my muscles down to my bones and every now and again my right eye swells and goes red while the left eye stays white, the swelling has been to the point that my pupil gets stuck in the coloured part sending shooting pains down my optic nerve. If you have ever had nerve pain you can imagine what it is like a few times a second as it constantly tries to adjust.

Pushing through and putting one foot in front of the other in order to move forward also takes its toll when my body says it needs to just rest. Pulling against the muscles that are tired, fatigued, sore and tight.

I know I have so much good in life and I am not going through what my mother, sister and brother are going through. However I absorb a part of it all and I'm struggling. Is this the worst thing in the world? Hell no! There are a lot worse off than me. Will I get through it like many hard times before and hard times to come? Hell yes! Will it kill me? No. Is it hard? Yes...yes it is.